Unthinkable
by spn22
Summary: How can Starsky face the unthinkable?
1. Nothing and sorry

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch. Warning: some people may find this story upsetting, sorry!_

* * *

"So...you're telling me... "

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry"

"Okay."

"You're telling me...there is nothing you can do?"

"Nothing."

"You're a doctor..."

"Which is why it's so much harder to say that I can do nothing."

"You have to keep trying."

"Mr. Starsky. We've tried. It would be cruel to keep trying..."

"Then be cruel!"

"I don't think you mean that."

"I do! Don't you dare tell me I don't asshole! You can't just end with 'nothing' and 'sorry'"

"It's not in my job description to do so...and it's the hardest thing I have to say to people."

"My heart bleeds for you"

"It's as though I've failed."

"You have."

"I'm sorry."

"What did I say about saying you're _goddamm_ sorry..."

"I understand you're upset..."

"I'm not upset. I'm _angry."_

"That's normal."

"Shut up."

...


	2. I'll tell him

Starsky sat in the waiting room.

He knew that he should be doing something. He should be making practical lists. He should be calling Hutch's parents. He should be with Hutch.

He should, he should, he should...

He should have given more to Cancer Research.

He should have spent more time with the doctors.

He should have learnt more.

Fucking cancer.

He wished that there was some kind of physical representation for cancer...so he could shoot it. Slowly and painfully.

He wished it was him in that hospital bed.

At that moment in time, he swore it would have hurt less.

Now that bastard doctor was back. That friggin, smug, useless joke of a doctor.

"Mr Starsky?"

Starsky glanced up.

"Mr Starsky...I know you don't want me to be sorry...but I am."

Starsky didn't answer.

"I want to give you a magic solution to all of this...I wouldn't be a doctor if I didn't...but if I may, could I give you some advice?"

The doctor took Starsky's nonchalant shrug as an okay to carry on.

"Make the calls you need to make...and then go back to your partner. He's asking for you."

Starsky looked up, "He's awake?"

"He's fading in and out...when he's awake, he asks for you"

Starsky put his head further down.

"Does he know?" Starsky's voice was small.

The doctor shook his head softly.

"We can tell him...if you want. We have trained staff to deal with such sensitive issues."

Starsky considered this. It was tempting. He didn't know how he would even begin trying to tell Hutch... how could you even start to try and put something so unthinkable into some kind of words. There was no training manuel for this. Nobody to turn to. Yet, he somehow found a voice inside him that said...

"I'll tell him."

* * *

_Please review...thank you! :)_


	3. Save me

_Apologies, I have not forgotten this story- but I have started uni and I am super busy! I will try and update as much as I can :)_

_Once again, warnings, this is not a happy story [it's hard to write such a sad thing but it was in my head and needed to come out!] but I hope you still enjoy reading it and PLEASE review if you have time. Thank you!_

_This is not a slash piece, unless you want to read it as such. _

* * *

Starsky walked, with an odd mixture of haste and reluctance to the all too familiar hospital room.

He didn't want to do this.

My God, how could he even begin to do this?

He stood outside the door. The doctor had told him that Hutch, at the moment, was very much awake, alert and as prepared as he was ever going to be for such news.

Yet Starsky would never be ready.

He wanted to go in with _good _news. Or at least ignorance. Denial.

Anything but the truth. The truth was too much. The truth was... unimaginable.

Yet he couldn't... he couldn't let that nameless white coat tell Hutch...he would never be able to live with himself.

Starsky had had so much training. Delivering bad news to victims of an attack. Family members, friends. Nothing could have prepared him for this. This was hell. Hell on earth.

He bowed his head and opened the door.

Hutch was lying, eyes closed, facing the wall. It became apparent that he wasn't asleep, as the small sound of the door handle caused his head to look up. Seeing it was Starsky, his face broke into a small, tired but genuine smile.

"Starsk."

Starsky managed a tiny smile back. "Hey, partner."

"Good God, am I happy to see someone not wearing a lab coat. Even your ugly mug."

Starsky made towards the plastic chair. "Folks still not here, huh?"

Hutch gave a small shake of the head. "Nope...and I'm tired of that doctor. The most miserable SOB I ever met. Not the greatest of company either, you know?"

Starsky nodded. "Don't I know it. I keep leaving messages. For your parents, I mean. Dobey has even got cops in Duluth on standby in case they need to go and knock on the door themselves."

Hutch smiled. "That's good of him."

"Well, y'know. He probably just heard of that stew your Mom cooks up. The man thinks from his stomach, Hutch. Not his heart."

Hutch allowed himself a small laugh and then grimaced. Starsky made to stand up but Hutch shook his head, indicating that he shouldn't overreact.

"Don't make me laugh, Starsk."

"I'll try. I was always the funny one of the partnership" Starsky trailed off and looked down at his hands.

Hutch looked at Starsky searchingly. "What?"

Starsky still didn't look up. "What do you mean, what?"

"What's up? You're usually in here cracking every joke under the sun, practically dancing around the room like it's the fourth of July and driving me mad. So. What's up?"

"I thought you asked me not to make you laugh."

"I didn't say your jokes were funny."

An uneasy silence lay between the two.

"Starsky... I know you were with the doctor..." Hutch's voice broke slightly. "Do you need to tell me something?"

Starsky felt his head couldn't get any lower if he tried. He could feel tears burning his eyes, his throat contracting. He stood up and faced the wall, not wanting Hutch to see his tears. How could he possibly tell Hutch he was dying? That there was no hope? That he had weeks, not years, to do everything he wanted to do?

He had promised himself that he would be strong. This wasn't strength. This was full-out weakness. He felt bile rise in his throat and quickly sat back down, not trusting that his legs would support him. Worst still, he felt that he could never possibly get the words out that he needed to say.

Two tears fell onto his leg and he cursed angrily under his breath.

"Starsk?" Hutch let out a hand. Starsky let out a choak but accepted it, welcoming the support that he needed. How ironic.

"Starsky... I'm... I'm dying aren't I?"

With that line, Starsky let out a sob. Once again, Hutch had saved him from the 'nasty bits', the 'impossible reality'. Hutch had spoken the words that he couldn't bring himself to say. Hutch had saved him...again.

"Starsky... am...am I right?"

Starsky's voice had gone. Gripping his partner's hand even tighter, full eyes finally on his face, he gave a small, heavy nod.


	4. Thank you

_Just a short update. Hope you enjoy. _

_Reviews make me :)_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

* * *

Starsky's head lay on the edge of Hutch's bed. He still grasped his partner's hand as they stayed in silent hell. Starsky felt a hand on his hair.

"Starsk?"

Starsky looked up, his eyes full of tears. Even looking at Hutch ached...

"Will you take me home?"

All the other words were unsaid. With a small nod Starsky stood up.

"I'll talk to the doctor."

"Now?"

"Now.

* * *

Starsky sat in the Torino, his fingers tapping softly on the wheel. He had promised to meet Hutch outside the hospital, despite Hutch trying to protest otherwise. "Starsk" Hutch had said firmly, "I can still walk."

Yet, when Hutch appeared at the hospital door, Starsky thought his heart was going to break. Hutch looked so incredibly frail. Somehow seeing Hutch standing in his normal clothes, up and about, was a far bigger shock than seeing him in a hospital bed. Hutch staggered, looking like he did after a few too many at Huggy's. Starsky went to open the car door, his first impulse was to go and help Hutch to the car. Yet he stopped himself. He knew Hutch's pride and knew it was important he make this small journey alone.

He'd be there for every other step though.

He saw Hutch spot the car, a smile spreading over his face. Starsky let out a wave and opened the passenger door. Hutch was making an obvious effort to do a small jog. _For God's sake, buddy. Save your energy._

"Hey, Starsk."

Hutch flung himself into the passenger seat.

"Hey, bud. How you doing?"

"Fantastic. Well I will be once we get away from this stinking building."

Starsky nodded once, forced a smile and put the car into gear.

"Starsk...wait." Hutch put a hand out. "If you...if you don't want to do this. I mean...I'm going to get pretty sick...just say. Okay? It's...a hell of a lot to ask. It's too much."

Starsky looked at his partner and softly shook his head.

"Whatever you need, Hutch."

Hutch gave a watery smile.

"Thank you, buddy. Thank you."


	5. Alone

_There doesn't seem to be much interest in this story... but I'll keep going :)_

_Reviews make me :)_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

* * *

"Home sweet home."

Hutch gave a grimace as he rose out of the car. Starsky spotted him look sideways at him to see if he'd noticed.

"Yeah, beers in the fridge, freezer stocked. Best friend award goes to me, my friend."

Hutch gave him a wry grin. "Jury's out until I see what exactly you've stocked my freezer with"

"Everything the hospital recommended... with a few Starsky extras."

"That's what worries me." Hutch stumbled slightly and Starsky made a move towards him. Hutch waved him away.

"Fine, I'm fine. Just a bit dizzy. Probably your driving, eh?"

"Probably." Starsky gave a small smile. "Let's get inside, yeah?"

Hutch nodded. Starsky held out an arm. After a small hesitation, Hutch shook his head and painfully made his way up the road alone.

* * *

"I want to go to Huggy's."

Hutch had barely entered the house before he spoke the words.

He disregarded that Starsky had cleaned his house from top to bottom. Equally his eyes had mearly scanned the 'Thinking of you' card from work.

"Whoa, steady on bud. I told ya. I have beers. Plenty. Let's have a steady one tonight, yeah?"

"Starsky. I said... I want to go to Huggy's."

"But I thought..."

"You thought what?" Hutch turned so that he face to face with his partner. "You thought I would lie in bed, going stiff, waiting to die? If I wanted to do that, I'd have stayed in hospital."

Starsky's face turned stiff and then he held his arms up. "Fine. Fine. Whatever you want to do."

Hutch eyed Starsky for a second. Then he sighed, nodded once and left the room.


	6. I'm not leaving you

_Any reviews would be so appreciated- many thanks!_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch._

_A reminder that this is a sad story- please do not read if you are affected by main character deaths._

* * *

"You ready?"

Hutch raised his eyesbrows. "You're coming?"

"You're not going by yourself."

"Starsky I'm perfectly capable..."

"When do you ever go without me?"

Hutch gave a small smile. "Fine. Let's go."

* * *

As soon as the pair walked in, the volume in the bar seemed to diminish. Starsky cleared his throat pointedly.

"Evening all."

Embarassed, loud, forced conversations began to fill the room. Huggy came out from behind the bar.

"Hutch, my man, how you doin'?"

Hutch gave a small smile. "Fine, Hug. Just fine."

Starsky slapped Huggy on the shoulder. "Hey, what am I...chopped liver?"

"My man- never. What can I get you pair? On the house."

Hutch frowned. "We can pay, Huggy."

"Na, na, I won't hear of it- on me."

"Huggy." Hutch's voice rose. "I said... we can pay. As always."

Huggy looked momentarily hurt and then shrugged. "Who am I to turn down paying customers? This way, gentleman."

Huggy walked away and Starsky pulled Hutch back.

"Hey! Why are you being such a jerk. Chill out."

"I may as well be dead already. I didn't ask for sympathy." Hutch tried to shrug Starsky off but his partner kept a firm hold.

"People don't know how to act...or what to say. Just... stop biting people's heads off. They want to help."

Hutch didn't answer but nodded once. Starsky let go of his shoulder and made his way to the bar without another word.

Hutch followed and sat beside Huggy on some vacant bar stools. Huggy busied himself pulling the two draft beers.

"Hey, Hug...I'm sorry. I'm just not myself today, y'know?"

Huggy smiled. "Nothing to apologise for, my man. Four dollars."

* * *

To anyone looking from a distance, they would think that the men were having more than a good time. Yet Starsky felt a sinking in his stomach. He knew that these were the moments that he should be treasuring. Yet it felt so forced. Hutch's laugh was too loud and long. Huggy's constant talk without pause for breath, ridiculous. Most of all, the dancing around the C word... exhausting.

Hutch was also pounding them back. Hutch could usually hold his own but Starsky was unsure of how much he could take on his current medication.

"Hey! Hey! Starsk! Ano'her! Your round! Hutch needs some more power juice!" Hutch was smiling at him, or at least it was a fake, stupid smile.

"Hey, hey, Blondie. Come on, pal. Maybe we should head back to yours, hey? There's beer at home."

Hutch turned to face Starsky, his eyes uneven. "Why? We're...we're havin' a good time 'ere."

"Yeah, we are...but I think we should leave."

"Ahh. I see...because _you _think we should leave, Starsky Lord of All, I have t'come with you?"

"Hutch..." Starsky lowered his voice. "Come on, pal. Don't make this hard on me. Come home."

"No" Hutch lashed out at Starky pushing him away. Starsky flinched, hurt but didn't retaliate. People were now beginning to look and Huggy came out from behind the bar.

"Hutch, my man. Listen to Starsky, yeah? Your partner's right. Come back tomorrow and we can continue the fun, yeah?"

"How about..." Hutch's eyes were unfocused but he pointed a finger at Starsky. "How's about..._I _stay and _he _can shove off home. Be boring."

Starsky didn't say anything.

"You heard me!" Hutch was yelling now and the bar went quiet. "Go 'ome! Get lost! You've got a...key."

Starsky walked up to Hutch, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Y'know...I know this ain't you. I know this ain't you talkin'. Every part of my body is wanting to get away right now. Leave you to Huggy... but y'know what? I'm not leaving you. Not now. You hear?"

Hutch's face was scrunched up. He shook his head but headed to the door.

Starsky turned to Huggy, whose eyes had filled with usually unseen tears.

"Take care of him, Starsky."

Starsky nodded, gave Huggy a one armed hug and followed a staggering Hutch out of the door.


	7. I'm scared

_Thank you so much for the reviews! They made me :) BIG TIME! Hope you keep reading and enjoying._

_Once again- a warning- this is a sad story- if you are affected by major character deaths, please don't read._

_Not a slash, unless you want to read it like that._

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

* * *

Hutch, now too disorientated to resist, allowed Starsky to support him up the steps to his house.

"Nearly there, Hutch. Watch the last step."

Hutch made an incoherent noise in response and Starsky, after shoving his spare key in the lock, half lifted him through the door.

"Come on. Water. Bed."

However, Hutch had already collapsed on the sofa. Starsky sighed.

"Hutch..."

"I'm a'right, a'righ..."

"Yeah, sure you are. Move your legs. Let me sit down."

Hutch made a feeble attempt to move and Starsky squeezed onto the end of the couch.

"Starsk?"

"Mmm?"

"I...I don't...don't feel so good."

"Yeah, well, I'm not feeling too hot either, pal."

"You...you drunk?"

"No. You are."

"Ahhhh know. Ooops"

"Yeah, major whoops, Pal."

Hutch tried to sit up but let his head fall back onto the end of the couch.

"I...I've...been a bastard tonight, haven't I?"

Starsky sighed. "Well, you haven't exactly been Mr Sunshine."

Hutch's face grew into one of concern. "I was yelling. I...I yelled...at you?"

"Mmm."

"Oh."

Hutch looked upset and confused all at once. Starsky's anger quickly faded.

"Hey, forget it. It was the beer talking."

"Yeah..but...I shouldn've..."

"Hutch, forget it."

Hutch put an arm under his head.

"Wasss what I said...bad?"

Starsky smiled slightly. "It just...wasn't you."

Hutch's eyes rolled slightly but he tried to look Starsky in the face. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay..."

"No, I'm s...sorry. For everythin'...for me. "

"Hey, hey..." Starsky got off the sofa and knelt down next to Hutch. "Don't you _ever _apologise for that, you hear me? Ever."

"I'm scared, Starsk..." tears filled Hutch's eyes. "So, so...scared. I don't...I don't wanna die. I wanna stop it. I don't want...wanna go."

This was all too much for Starsky.

"C'mere."

Starsky sat back on the sofa, bringing Hutch into a forced hug. Hutch, too tired and too upset to protest, let his head fall on Starsky's shoulder.

"You stay with me, you here?" Starsky's voice was filled with emotion, fresh tears almost overwhelming him. "You aren't going anywhere. Not yet. Screw everyone else, okay? I'm going to be with you every second of this. Okay? You hear me, partner?"

Starsky felt Hutch nod his head against his shoulder and he pulled him into a closer hug.

"I love you, buddy."

The two men cried softly.

"You too" Hutch said quietly.


	8. Counting Calories

_Thank you for the lovely reviews! :D_

_Hope you continue to read and enjoy._

_Again, trigger warnings, this is a SAD story. Major character death. Sorry about that..._

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

* * *

Starsky smiled slightly as he heard Hutch stur before him.

"Oww" Hutch moaned.

"Heeeeey. Head hurting, buddy?"

"Shut up." Hutch rolled over so that even the slither of light could not reach his eyes.

Starsky stretched, flexing out his arm which he'd managed to fall asleep on.

"Did you stay here all night?" Hutch managed to get out.

"Mmm."

"Why didn't you go to bed?"

"You were pretty out of it, pal. Couldn't risk it."

"Yeah...sorry about that. Guess I kind of lost it."

"Guess ya kind of did." Starsky gave him a sidelong smile. "Don't worry about it. It's allowed."

Hutch shook his head, wincing at the movement.

"How embarrassed should I be?"

"Remember the lock-in at your local in Duluth?"

"Yeah?"

"Think that embarrassed."

Hutch lay back on the sofa. "Oh God."

"Yeah but y'know, the game is on in a bit... I can run out for pizza...how about a hangover day, huh?"

Hutch let out a half laugh. "Sounds good."

"Right" Starsky jumped up. "So, hair of the dog or coffee?"

Hutch threw a pillow in the direction of Starsky.

"Tea. Maybe a beer later if I can stomach it."

Starsky laughed. "Beer for one it is. Tea for the lightweight. Toast?"

"God, yes please."

"White or brown?"

"White."

"Whoa. Must be a _bad _hangover, Mr Health Freak."

Hutch gave a sad smile. "It's not like I'm counting calories is it?"

Starsky stopped and looked back. "Don't say crap like that."

"Like what?"

"You know what. Just...don't."

* * *

"Starsk?"

Starsky, slicing bread, turned.

"Yeah."

"Listen, pal. We..._you_...have to come to terms with...with what's happening here. You know the...the inevitable."

Starsky didn't turn but his hands dropped to his side. Hutch walked slightly closer.

"I'm...I'm trying to work it out in my head... don't you think you should too?"

Starsky passed Hutch a cup of tea wordlessly and walked out of the kitchen.

* * *

"Have you put a request in for a new partner?"

Starsky, staring at an advert on the television, turned his head slightly. "What?"

"You heard me."

Starsky put an arm on the sofa rest.

"No. No, of course not."

Hutch sat beside him and spoke softly.

"Don't you think maybe it's time you did?"

Starsky's face went hard. Hutch prepared himself for one of Starsky's famous yelling sessions. Yet Starsky surprised him.

"No."

Starsky's voice was calm... Hutch could even go as far as saying...emotionless.

Hutch, despite his throbbing head, suddenly felt full on energy... and anger.

"Then what the hell are you planning to do, Starsky? Die with me?"

Starsky stood up.

"No...but are you choosing to be dead already?"


	9. Our Normal

_Thank you so much for the lovely comments- really spurred me on!_

_A short update [sorry, again!] but I've finished my first of uni, so hopefully I'll be able to post longer [and more frequent posts] soon!_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

_Once again- major character death- do not read if these effect you._

_Reviews make me :)_

* * *

The day didn't improve.

Starsky was tempted to get to the level of drunkenness of Hutch the previous night. At least then he might be able to offer some words of 'wisdom'... or at least find the whole day slightly more bearable.

He had planned everything to be perfect, for Hutch to be happy, for it all to be as okay... as okay as it could be.

So far, it had been a disaster.

He had been so sure... so _certain _that he could handle this.

He could handle his partner... but Hutch... he wasn't acting like Hutch.

The bottles on the counter were building and most of them weren't Starsky's. Hutch's 'hair of the dog' was clearly working far too well. In fact, he was well on the way to being at the level he had been the previous night.

* * *

_"Mr Starsky, he's going to need a carer..."_

_"No. No, he isn't"_

_"Things are going to get worse, Mr Starsky. A lot worse."_

_"I know that."_

_"I'm not sure you do, Mr Starsky"_

_Starsky went to reply but paused. The Doctor smiled softly._

_"Sir, our staff are highly trained. They know this particular type of cancer inside out."_

_Starsky looked up and said slowly, "I know Hutch."_

* * *

"So, Starsk...h'hey, Starsky... I say, who cares about fuckin' cancer when you have fuckin' beer? Best medicine, pal, best medicine... fuck the doctors. Fuck 'em."

Starsky didn't say anything. Hutch was loudly slurring away, his eyes wide, his voice excited.

"I say we make this an all-nighter... hell, an _all weeker_. Let's call Huggy, yeah? Let's...hey, listen to me...let's call 'em all. All the guys from the station. All of 'em. Even Dobey. Starsk? Yeah? Y'hear me?"

Starsky took a sip from his beer. He desperately wanted to gulp back a few bottles, block all this out for a while... but Hutch clearly needed, in search of a better word, babysitting.

"Hey, buddy. Come on. I can't be bothered to go and re-stock tonight. Slow down a bit, eh?"

Hutch rose an eyebrow.

"Don't start, Starsk."

"Whattaya mean?"

"I mean..." Hutch struggled so that he was sitting straigher, "I mean... you. Just...act normal, okay? Stop nagging... stop watchin' me... all the freaking time. You sit...an' an'... _sit. _Judgin'"

"Hutch, buddy, I ain't judging you. You know that."

"Yeah, well, fuck you. Seems t'me that you are. Just be normal, for crying out loud."

Starsky was silent for a moment. Then he deliebrately put his bottle down on the paper.

"The moment you start acting like my partner, not this crazed, denial-ridden bastard. You should be telling _me _off for drinking too much... letting me lean on _your_shoulder home...that's _normal, _Hutch. That's our normal." Starsky felt alarmed to feel this throat contract. "Once that starts happening again... maybe I'll be more like myself. I didn't sign up to be your babysitter. I signed up to be your friend."

Starsky, breathing deeply, removed himself from the room. Hutch, surprisingly, didn't retaliate or even try to follow him.

_I don't need help..._

_I know Hutch..._

_I know Hutch. _


	10. When denial goes

_Sorry for the delay and shortness of this update- a lot is going on at the moment!_

_Still, I hope you enjoy :)_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

_Reviews make me :)_

_I also promise the next chapter is going to be moving things along... and we'll see our boys back on the streets :)_

* * *

Starsky had waited until he heard Hutch stagger into the guest bedroom before he even dared shut his eyes.

Despite feeling exhausted, he found sleep was a long way off.

What was said had needed to be said... but all of this was so unnatural. Sure, they had occasionally had to have sharp words with each other... but this was different. Starsky made things _better. _What could he do when this was a mission he was never going to win? When the unthinkable would happen?

How could he be strong when he was falling to pieces? When he felt so numb most of the time?

He wanted tonight to be another Friday evening- where he was the one having to be pulled back for drinking too much. When all that was at risk was a throbbing head in the morning and a post-mortem of his drunken antics from his smug partner...

With a speed that surprised him, he felt tears slide down his face.

He buried his head into the pillow to muffle out his sobs.

* * *

Starsky was showered, dressed and had a cup of coffee in his hand. Hutch wasn't up yet... sign enough that things were never going to be the same.

He flicked mindlessly through the channels. He had suddenly become aware of any show that featured death... and had become skillful at avoiding them at all costs.

He had woken up feeling surprisingly strong after his breakdown. Today was a new day- whether it was going to be good or bad was irrelevant... it would at least start in a positive light.

Starsky heard rustling from the room, sighed deeply trying to keep the positive outlook flowing and took to the kitchen to reboil the kettle.

Hutch appeared at the door, hair ruffled, eyes puffy and an unfamiliar sheepish look on his face.

"Hey" Starsky tried to keep his voice neutral. "Kettle's boiled."

"Thanks." Hutch sighed. "Hey, Starsk, listen..."

Starsky put his hands up. "Hey. Me too. It's okay. Meltdowns are allowed... on both sides. Let's just move on, okay?"

Hutch looked like he wanted to say more but he nodded.

Starsky sprang up. "Good. Ya big blonde idiot."

Hutch smiled slightly.

"And Hutch?"

"Hmm?"

"You need to let me help you, okay? Man, I know it's tough but you need to take a step back... I don't want to lose you to some doctors, alright?"

Hutch leaned on the sofa. "Me neither" he was silent and then said softly. "I... I'm so, so scared."

Starsky felt a chill go through him. Hutch seemed to finally be looking at the dark, horrible truth.

_There's nothing you can do..._

"Hey... c'mere."

Hutch hesitated and then allowed Starsky to pull him into a hug. Both men pretended not to notice the others tears.

"You ain't goin' anywhere yet, you hear? 'Coz I won't let you."

* * *

Since Hutch's confession, nothing else had been said. They had both had a coffee, watched a crap soap on the TV and exchanged small talk.

"Hey buddy, fancy a drive, hm?" Starsky turned his head at the lack of response. "Hey, Hutch?"

His heart in his mouth he knelt in front of his partner. Realising that Hutch had just dropped off to sleep, he sighed and sat back down beside him.

_He's hungover. Everyone naps when they're hungover..._

Then that same voice...

_Now who's in denial?_


	11. Without You

_Thank you for your lovely comments- and Happy New Year to you all!_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

_Reviews make me :)_

_AUTHOR NOTE: So sorry- major whoops, I uploaded the wrong chapter onto here- that was meant for another story- here is the correct chapter- sorry for the confusion!_

* * *

After a surprisingly quiet night, Starsky was enjoying his first relaxed lie-in for days. Spreading out on the bed, he buried himself further into his pillow. He enjoyed these times, before reality completely hit him again.

It was a selfish, quiet moment in his day, where he prepared himself- put his poker face on.

It was also where he sometimes let himself break down... because God knows he couldn't do it in front of Hutch.

Because this time was also when he _would _have to get up... and that was the hardest part. The exhausting part.

The part where he had to smile, dance... and act like everything was fine.

* * *

_He should have known earlier...he should have seen more from the signs. _

_Hutch had been slowing up. No doubt about that._

_It was a kind of an unspoken understanding. He was sweating more, more eager to get into the car rather than chase on foot. More lenient to getting takeout rather than cooking from scratch at the end of the day. Less toned but more skinny. _

_Starsky didn't push it. He was one to talk after all. He was hardly 'Mr Health Freak'. That was always Hutch. _

_So when Hutch collapsed as they were walking into the station one day... obviously he blamed himself. He knew his partner inside out. He had seen the signs that something wasn't right... and he'd ignored them. _

_He had felt sick watching Hutch collapse. Hutch hadn't even complained of any pain beforehand. He had simply slipped, almost gracefully, to the floor and was still. It sounded cliche but everything went into slow motion. Starsky had fallen to his knees, just catching his partner before he hit his head on the police station's steps. _

_"Hutch!"_

_Hutch hadn't responded. His eyelids didn't even flicker. _

_He held his partner, screamed his name over and over. _

_"I gotcha... I gotcha buddy you hear? I gotcha."_

* * *

"Hey buddy..."

"Hey, Hutch."

"Sleep okay?"

"Well, y'know..."

"Yeah, me too."

Starsky gave a small smile. "Coffee?"

"Sure. Thanks."

Starsky rose from the sofa and to the kitchen. "Hey, so I was thinking, maybe we should end your sobriety and go and have some fun tonight, huh? Start at Huggy's and see what happens?"

Not put off by the silence he continued.

"Y'know, I know the doctors would probably wag their fingers, but, y'know, I say a few drinks, a bit of fun is never going to hurt, right?"

"Urm...Starsk? Think we could just chill a bit today?"

Starsky tried to keep the surprise out of his face. He had decided to go easy on Hutch today- let him have a bit of fun- because...well, why the hell not? So being shot down was not what he was expecting.

"Ya sure? Ya know I kind of miss wasted Hutch. _Wasted_ Hutch, mind you, not, y'know, ugly off his face, shouting Hutch but... well, come on man. People would like to see ya...and a few beers aren't gonna kill ya."

"I know buddy... but I'm...tired. Really tired."

A fear crept into Starsky's stomach as he looked at Hutch properly. He could see that Hutch was wearing the smallest top he could find and it still hung off him. His eyes were off centre, his hair ruffled in a poor attempt at making it look presentable.

"Yeah...yeah, you got it, Hutch. We'll... we'll just chill today, yeah? I have beers here anyway."

With that, Starsky walked to his room, shut the door and collapsed in unapologetic tears.

* * *

He was losing Hutch... and there was nothing he could do.

Starsky had hoped he had been subtle enough not to arise suspicion to Hutch by leaving the room... He had no right to breakdown, no right not to be strong...

But he was falling apart.

His life had been his friendship with Hutch...okay, the force, maybe a lady friend every now and again...

But it was Hutch.

But how was he supposed to wake up, live his life when the painful, inevitable would happen?

How could his life continue?

He flinched at the knock at the door and quickly dragged a hand across his face.

"Starsk?"

"Yeah? Yeah, come on in, buddy. I was just changing my top."

The door clicked open and Starsky quickly stood, forcing a smile onto his face.

Hutch walked in painfully, slowly. He looked at Starsky carefully.

"Funny. I could swear you were wearing that same shirt a second ago."

Starsky bit his top lip.

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._

"Starsk?"

Starsky let out a shaky breath.

"What am I going to be without you?"

Starsky's words were almost inconceivable.

"Starsk?"

"What...what am I going to be without you?"

It was then that he felt himself fall into Hutch's arms.

Sobs tore at him. Indescribable, gut wrenching sobs.

Hutch gently stroked Starsky's back.

"I got you."


	12. Ahead of you

_Hey all you lovely people. _

_Still at uni but here is a short update for you to show I haven't forgotten :)_

_Hope you are all well :)_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

_Reviews make me :)_

* * *

A breakdown was all well and good. A breakdown he could get over.

This numbness was a whole new ball game.

He had cried more than he thought was possible. He had collapsed into Hutch's arms, sobbed, begged and cursed.

Fuck the world. Fuck everything.

If it was going to end let it be now.

Let it be now.

* * *

Numbness. This was new.

he had awoken in the early evening. He had heard once that children coped with trauma by falling to sleep. He had seen it with kids who had witnessed crimes. Kids would scream, bite, cry... but then they would curl up in the nearest available spot and fall asleep. Never peacefully. Always with a sweaty forehead, clenched fists and looking as though any noise would wake them in a second.

He'd always found it hard to understand until now. Now all he wanted was sleep. He was exhausted, as though he had worked a whole day on the streets... God knows how long he had slept but he felt he could sleep for another week.

Then the worry came. The worry that far exceeded his exhaustion. Hutch.

Sighing, feeling depressed that a whole day had gone and darkness had descended once again, Starsky forced himself out of bed.

* * *

Opening the door, he immediately smelt food cooking.

Tacos? Burgers? His stomach, in spite of his sullen state, grumbled in anticipation.

"Hutch?"

"Hey, sleepyhead."

"Hey...you...you've been up?"

"Like most people at 6pm"

Starsky rubbed a hand over his neck. "Sorry, I kind of flaked out."

"Hey… it's not a problem. You must have needed to."

Starsky pulled himself into a chair, pulling his knees into his chest.

Hutch smiled at him. "And hey listen, I'm feeling good, well, better… so now you've caught up on some sleep we can pull an all-nighter, huh? Go back to cadet days and let our hair down?"

Starsky grinned. "Sounds great… even though you're a lying bastard."

"What?"

"You look like shit."

"No worse than you, mop top."

"Heh. All very true hotshot but… you should get some sleep."

"Plenty of time for that."

"Don't."

"Sorry. Come on. Have a drink. I'm a can ahead of you AND I'm cooking. Catch-up."

Before Starsky could protest a can was thrown in his direction. He missed and watched it roll across the floor.

"Wouldn't open that one for a while." Hutch passed him a fresh beer. "You in?"

Starsky smiled. "Always."


	13. Back to work

_Thank you for the reviews all :)_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

_Reviews make me :)_

* * *

"Dobey wants me back on the street."

Hutch was doodling on a pad and after a beat nodded his head but did not look up.

"That right?"

"Yeah."

Hutch sighed and stood up. "When do you start?"

"Whenever you feel up to it."

"What?"

"Well, I told him he'd have to wait 'til..."

"Starsk."

"What?"

"Don't."

"What?"

"Monday morning, you better be at that station."

"Hutch..."

"You need a plan, Starsk for after... I'm sorry. You just need one."

Starsky sighed. "Well, ain't you Mr Cheerful? Alright genius, say I go back Monday- who is going to watch you?"

"I'm not a baby, Starsk- and I'm not completely inept. Well, not yet anyway."

Starsky gave him a look. "Okay, say you fall..."

"I won't."

"Okay, or you can't get out of bed..."

"I'll stay there"

"Or you feel ill..."

"I'll ring for an ambulance."

Starsky folded his arms. "Say I don't want want to go back to work on Monday."

"If you don't I'm going back to hospital."

Starsky flung himself on the sofa, his face in such a childlike sulk that Hutch had to bite his tongue not to laugh.

"Great, so I go back Monday, Dobey puts me with a rookie- I spend the day tailing a candy robber."

"Hey- we were both that rookie once"

"And I don't want to go back to it"

"Well, you will be if you keep going the way you're going, tubbo"

Starsky puffed out his chest. "Whattaya mean?"

"Well, you're not exactly running a health centre here are you?"

Starsky looked around the place. Bottles and takeaway cartans covered the carpet.

"Looks like a good time to me."

"I can afford the calories, Starsk. You need to get your game back up."

"I'm fine. It's like riding a bike."

"So...Monday?"

Starsky glared at Hutch. Hutch shrugged. Starsky didn't want Hutch thinking badly of him. He wanted his partner to be proud of him.

"Okay. Monday."

Starsky got up, rubbing a hand through his hair.

"Hey, Starsk?"

"Yeah?"

"Love ya, pal."

Starsky smiled sadly.

"You too, buddy."


End file.
